Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.