In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Warm pools make me nervous.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
he’s doing your taxes
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.