Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.