I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Love is in the air fryer.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Big Sex has us all fooled
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Golf would be better with landmines.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”