If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.