You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.