I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]