[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*