Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it