damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”