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a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources