The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday