My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable