I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow