Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off