Nailed it!ππ»π€£π€£π
You Might Also Like
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Jesus Christ, google youβre gonna get him killed
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Please donβt distract me, Iβve been asked to guard my daughterβs shell collection while sheβs in the water.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Next time someone says βIβm a huggerβ and tries to hug me Iβm gonna say βIβm a biterβ and see how it goes.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
βOh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned itβ said no one ever.
Great Canadian literature.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
All Iβm saying is youβll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
And then grandma said βmy, what big hands you haveβ
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess whoβs asking me to cook again.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Current mood: Potato