Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.