People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Chicago sounds lovely.