Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
You Might Also Like
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Thank you corporation very cool
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.