I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?