Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You Might Also Like
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
dream blunt rotation
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles