Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday