Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Happy Friday
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.