Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”