My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
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The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 馃
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
#oldknees
HER: what鈥檚 with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must鈥檝e been pretty f****d up.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
wordle is optional. y鈥檃ll complain so much, just wanted to remind you
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 馃槀馃槶
Why am I like this?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
HR: I鈥檓 afraid that鈥檚 not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon