Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.