I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
No, he would not have.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I love you…
…r dog.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.