fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?