*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.