Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
what are they serving at kfc then???
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.