I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Maths meets science
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.