i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Jail
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.