batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”