“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape