Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Merica.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately