My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Holy shit he’s back
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m a bad influence on myself.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”