A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.