I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
me adding lol on a serious message
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live