Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.