Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd