[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…