I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.