You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You Might Also Like
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Not all heroes wear capes.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?