[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Bringing home a sharpie
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked