Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Science memes
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs