“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.