me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.