[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT