Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You Might Also Like
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower