[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me